Chickened Out!

I wish I was able to report back with an inspiring success story of how I didn't let my anxiety get the best of me and at least gave the presentation a shot, or the propranolol worked wonders! Instead I'm here to report I didn't even make it to class today. Honestly I'm extremely disappointed- First of all because I missed a full day of class, attendance is a big deal at the school I'm attending and teachers notice when you're not there making a point to e-mail you to see what's going on. I decided I'm going to be upfront with my teacher about what happened, I woke up with every intention of going to class, took my first dose of propranolol (made me a little sleepier than I anticipated!), and got ready for class. I tried to stay positive but the more I thought about the presentation the more I dreaded it.

I realized I never really explained what type of presentation this would be. It was partly a group presentation as part of it consisted of a "skit" demonstrating the skills/scenario we were given the day before. My character in the skit was a business owner (not my choice), and the character kept getting more and more complex! When my group began their brainstorming they agreed to give me the smallest part in the skit possible (as it was the skit I was really really uncomfortable with), but before I knew it I had a starring role! Well not exactly, but definitely more lines and acting than I was comfortable with- I kept trying to explain to my group (full of former drama class stars) how uncomfortable I was with the part, only to be reassured I'd be "fine" they had "faith" in me! Obviously they didn't understand where I was coming from! Now these skits were supposed to be "fun" keep in mind, these were not graded (so thankfully I'm not going to be docked any points), but the more "fun" my classmates were having with this the more terrifying it was to me! They were soon trying to make our skit funnier than the rest, creating complex scenarios and jokes I would deliver?? I kept my positive attitude about this the whole time, truly just hoping the propranolol was the miraculous cure for stage fright some message boards make it out to be! Maybe the propranolol would turn me into an outgoing presenter, delivering my jokes and lines with perfect timing! But that seemed a little too good to be true and eventually my "what if" thoughts came back, and I managed to talk myself out of going! I mean geez just the other day I was proud of myself for my ability to get through answering questions, in front of the class!

So someday (hopefully) the idea of performing a small production in front of 40 other people may sound like a breeze to me, but I'm not there yet, and I suppose I'm okay with that! I will just have to look at the other strides I've made beating this anxiety and focus on those! I'm sure there will be many more presentations to come, and hopefully I'll be able to report back with some success stories and some possible coping techniques, I guess just not this time.

Presentation Tomorrow!

Well today we found out that we will all be expected to give a 10 minute presentation tomorrow! To be honest,  I am TERRIFIED! I absolutely hate public speaking of any kind. Before signing up for this school  (these classes) I made sure there were no public speaking requirements and was assured there wouldn't be anything like this. I mean I know I'm going to have to do some sort of public speaking eventually, but wanted to get back into the school swing of things a little more slowly. Oh well, I have a presentation tomorrow and am going to have to figure out some way to get through this.

My fear of public speaking isn't a little one. I have had too many awful experiences to just be able to "wing it" without medication, someday I have hope I'll be able to, but right now? No way! So tomorrow will be the day I try the Propranolol! Yikes! Today I took a quarter of a pill to see how I felt.. I didn't really notice anything and after reading various message boards online I'm unsure if a quarter of the pill will do it for me? I don't know why I'm so cautious/ afraid to take the whole 10mg, (Yes I do, because it's a blood pressure medication and the possibility of any type of adverse reaction scares me!)  then again taking the 10mg sounds better than getting up there and realizing I didn't take enough! :) We'll see. Oh yes and I have one other technique in mind to help me get through this- I'm near-sighted so I wear contact lenses to see anything farther than 5ft in front of me- I figure if I can't see anyone I'm presenting to it may make it a little better? So I will take my contacts out...Who knows if this will help, but it's worth a try!

I know there are going to be many many occasions in the remainder of my schooling where I will have to present in front of the class. To be honest this was what kept me from finishing school sooner. But I figured I have got to figure out a way to get past this...and hopefully I will. :) I'm trying to stay positive, haha but to be quite honest even writing about the presentation tomorrow makes my heart pound! Will be sure to post my experience whether negative or positive, but keeping my fingers crossed it's a positive one!