Well yesterday was my first day back to school! I'd missed a few days before the break due to car problems (a whole other LONG story! BLAH!), so had to go in early and take a test! I did well on the test though...I'm not always great with tests, sometimes no matter how much I study the minute I sit down for the exam and start getting nervous my mind goes blank <----Which makes me more nervous, haha and I end up not doing so well! It's only after the test I can think clearly again and realize I did actually know all the material I was just tested over! But I'm getting a lot better with these written tests! I'm sure oral exams are going to be a whole different story! haha
So I am already almost half way through my year! The half way point will be March 1...So I am almost there! I'm really surprised how quickly this first half is going for me, and nervous/excited for the 2nd half! But with the second half comes a lot of possible panic inducing experiences!
*Oral Examinations/Practical Examinations!= These are absolutely possibly the most terrifying part of the whole class for me. So far I've been able to dodge all the in front of the class public speaking, (I have had to address small groups of 6-8 often, which I'm getting used to little by little, but still use some type of benzo to get thru it)...The practical exams are basically everything that sends me into panic mode rolled into one! It's basically 2 hours of various teachers walking around (anticipatory anxiety!) the classroom asking you RANDOM questions from what we've learned this year, in one night I'll be dealing with 5 different instructors asking me to demonstrate (on another individual) and answer whatever they have for me (performance anxiety? UH YES!) Then it will be my turn to have 2 hours laying on the table while my partner uses me to demonstrate/and answer their questions! I will have a total of 6 of these exams, and they will be once a month from March- graduation. I'm not in anyway hoping to conquer these without the help of a benzo/propranolol (?) just yet, I guess my first goal is just to get through one with the help of a prescribed medication!
*Clinical Hours!= This is where I'll begin taking my own appointments! I'll need to get 200 clinical hours over the next 6 months! I don't know if this will always be SO scary to me, or if it will seem easier after I do it a couple of times? Basically I will be having my own clients starting as soon as next week, it will be my job to review their charts, chart any new developments/discomforts/improvements, discuss any current complaints they have (health wise) and try to figure out what I can do to make them feel better! These clients know they're coming in, paying (the school not me!) to see students, and have agreed to fill out evaluations each time they see one of us.. I'm not sure what scares me so much about these situations.. Lack of confidence maybe? Fear of having a panic attack while trying to work with a client? So once again here is another situation where my goal is not to get through the situation medication-free, but rather to get through the situation!
*One last situation that causes me anxiety is a graded evaluation of my ability to do all of the above but with an instructor as my pretend client! This is coming up very soon too (weeks?), and I'm quite nervous about this as well. This will be an hour long session where I will have to treat one of my instructors as my client and go through all the motions as if they were a client. This is just scary for obvious reasons I think! :) UGH!
So I feel very excited and accomplished to have made it this far, but at the same time nervous for what the future brings! I know there has got to be a way to get through these obstacles (fear inducing situations!) at first with medication, and then eventually hopefully medication free! I'm sure I'll have lots to write about in the upcoming months!
Showing posts with label 2012. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2012. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's Resolutions!
Well today is the last day of 2011, and I don't normally make "New Year's Resolutions". I feel like the minute I say something aloud, "I'm going to go to the gym for an hour everyday for 3 months", I find myself losing motivation to stick with it! I'm cautious about making any about my anxiety/panic disorder because I feel like just saying something like "I will no longer let my anxiety keep me from doing ______", the anxiety in that situation will become so unbearable it will keep me from doing _____... haha! Which is really a silly thing to think, but still it's in the back of my mind!
Even after saying all that, I think I'll go ahead and make some New Year's Resolutions for 2012, some goals to start the year off with...
For years I've been an on-and-off vegetarian..My reasoning behind this is mostly of an ethical/health conscience nature. I do eat fish regularly though. I have considered eating meat if locally raised/ free range, humanely treated, but have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to eat meat. Growing up both my mom and grandma were vegetarians, so meat-free meals aren't new to me. But I've found it extremely hard to avoid meat all the time, for example dinners with in-laws, I hate inconveniencing anyone and will typically eat what is served instead of being "difficult".. This year I would like to try to stick with a vegetarian diet (with the exception of fish!)..
My husband and I both enjoy eating out..while we rarely eat fast food we love trying new restaurants! As hard as it is to say I know a lot of the money we could be putting away is being wasted during these outings! Another goal I'd like to set is that we cut back on eating out.
Anxiety-wise I have a few...
I would love to start caring less what others think of me! This has always been something I've struggled with, and has held me back from doing many things! I feel like if I were able to overcome this a lot of my anxiety would disappear, because once that fear of judgement is gone there isn't much left to "panic" about..
I've mentioned that I'm back in school, and I am anticipating an uncomfortable 6 months once practicals and clinicals begin! I've been dreading these last few months since the program began, but I know I'm capable of doing it. I'd like to stop focusing so much on my anxiety and catastrophic thoughts (I can already see myself failing before I've even begun!)
Lastly I've noticed that I tend to worry a lot whether it's about the health of myself and others, or something that's happening months down the road! It is so draining/exhausting and such an absolute waste of energy! Normally there is nothing productive that comes out of me obsessively worrying... While a little bit of concern/ awareness can be beneficial, obsessive worrying isn't. It changes nothing. I'd like to spend less time this year worrying, especially about things I have absolutely no control over! I plan to be more conscious of when I'm just worrying to worry, and stop the thoughts there..
:-) Happy New Year!!!
Even after saying all that, I think I'll go ahead and make some New Year's Resolutions for 2012, some goals to start the year off with...
For years I've been an on-and-off vegetarian..My reasoning behind this is mostly of an ethical/health conscience nature. I do eat fish regularly though. I have considered eating meat if locally raised/ free range, humanely treated, but have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to eat meat. Growing up both my mom and grandma were vegetarians, so meat-free meals aren't new to me. But I've found it extremely hard to avoid meat all the time, for example dinners with in-laws, I hate inconveniencing anyone and will typically eat what is served instead of being "difficult".. This year I would like to try to stick with a vegetarian diet (with the exception of fish!)..
My husband and I both enjoy eating out..while we rarely eat fast food we love trying new restaurants! As hard as it is to say I know a lot of the money we could be putting away is being wasted during these outings! Another goal I'd like to set is that we cut back on eating out.
Anxiety-wise I have a few...
I would love to start caring less what others think of me! This has always been something I've struggled with, and has held me back from doing many things! I feel like if I were able to overcome this a lot of my anxiety would disappear, because once that fear of judgement is gone there isn't much left to "panic" about..
I've mentioned that I'm back in school, and I am anticipating an uncomfortable 6 months once practicals and clinicals begin! I've been dreading these last few months since the program began, but I know I'm capable of doing it. I'd like to stop focusing so much on my anxiety and catastrophic thoughts (I can already see myself failing before I've even begun!)
Lastly I've noticed that I tend to worry a lot whether it's about the health of myself and others, or something that's happening months down the road! It is so draining/exhausting and such an absolute waste of energy! Normally there is nothing productive that comes out of me obsessively worrying... While a little bit of concern/ awareness can be beneficial, obsessive worrying isn't. It changes nothing. I'd like to spend less time this year worrying, especially about things I have absolutely no control over! I plan to be more conscious of when I'm just worrying to worry, and stop the thoughts there..
:-) Happy New Year!!!
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