Back To School!

Well yesterday was my first day back to school! I'd missed a few days before the break due to car problems (a whole other LONG story! BLAH!), so had to go in early and take a test! I did well on the test though...I'm not always great with tests, sometimes no matter how much I study the minute I sit down for the exam and start getting nervous my mind goes blank <----Which makes me more nervous, haha and I end up not doing so well! It's only after the test I can think clearly again and realize I did actually know all the material I was just tested over! But I'm getting a lot better with these written tests! I'm sure oral exams are going to be a whole different story! haha

So I am already almost half way through my year! The half way point will be March 1...So I am almost there! I'm really surprised how quickly this first half is going for me, and nervous/excited for the 2nd half! But with the second half comes a lot of possible panic inducing experiences!

*Oral Examinations/Practical Examinations!= These are absolutely possibly the most terrifying part of the whole class for me. So far I've been able to dodge all the in front of the class public speaking, (I have had to address small groups of 6-8 often, which I'm getting used to little by little, but still use some type of benzo to get thru it)...The practical exams are basically everything that sends me into panic mode rolled into one! It's basically 2 hours of various teachers walking around (anticipatory anxiety!) the classroom asking you RANDOM questions from what we've learned this year, in one night I'll be dealing with 5 different instructors asking me to demonstrate (on another individual) and answer whatever they have for me (performance anxiety? UH YES!) Then it will be my turn to have 2 hours laying on the table while my partner uses me to demonstrate/and answer their questions!  I will have a total of 6 of these exams, and they will be once a month from March- graduation. I'm not in anyway hoping to conquer these without the help of a benzo/propranolol (?) just yet, I guess my first goal is just to get through one with the help of a prescribed medication!

*Clinical Hours!= This is where I'll begin taking my own appointments! I'll need to get 200 clinical hours over the next 6 months! I don't know if this will always be SO scary to me, or if it will seem easier after I do it a couple of times? Basically I will be having my own clients starting as soon as next week, it will be my job to review their charts, chart any new developments/discomforts/improvements, discuss any current complaints they have (health wise) and try to figure out what I can do to make them feel better! These clients know they're coming in, paying (the school not me!) to see students, and have agreed to fill out evaluations each time they see one of us.. I'm not sure what scares me so much about these situations.. Lack of confidence maybe? Fear of having a panic attack while trying to work with a client? So once again here is another situation where my goal is not to get through the situation medication-free, but rather to get through the situation!

*One last situation that causes me anxiety is a graded evaluation of my ability to do all of the above but with an instructor as my pretend client! This is coming up very soon too (weeks?), and I'm quite nervous about this as well. This will be an hour long session where I will have to treat one of my instructors as my client and go through all the motions as if they were a client. This is just scary for obvious reasons I think! :) UGH!

So I feel very excited and accomplished to have made it this far, but at the same time nervous for what the future brings! I know there has got to be a way to get through these obstacles (fear inducing situations!) at first with medication, and then eventually hopefully medication free! I'm sure I'll have lots to write about in the upcoming months!

Winter Vacation Updates

My winter vacation has been wonderful so far! I can't say enough how great it is to be back in Las Vegas, and with family. For me classes start back up on the 3rd of January, which is a day I also have a huge test! So I've spent a lot of time in my bedroom studying. I would post more, but really nothing too eventful has happened... Anxiety hasn't been much of an issue for me thus far (ha once I got off the flight!), I do still get those little bouts of nervousness when I realize how long I've been anxiety free, but that normally happens anytime I'm anxiety free for too long.

I guess one time that really sticks out for me was visiting a friends house. I went over there to say hi to he and his sisters, his mom wasn't home and the girls suggested I wait a little while for her to get home so she could say hi! Up until that point I forgot about anxiety, I had no anxiety going over there, but when it came to having to wait there for her and her husband to get home I suddenly wanted out of the situation and felt trapped! Silly, I know! Nothing big came of it, and the feeling eventually went away. I wonder why I didn't feel anxious when the greeting was on my own terms? But suddenly when I wasn't "in control" of the situation the anxiety kicked in, this is a pattern I see a lot!

While I've been in Las Vegas I had a chance to visit one of my favorite stores- "Herbally Grounded" This is a store I absolutely LOVE! I went shopping and bought quite a few new herbs/vitamins/products that are supposed to be helpful for those suffering with anxiety/panic disorder and some I already love- Hopefully in one of these next posts I'll be able to share some of them! :)