New Year's Resolutions!

Well today is the last day of 2011, and I don't normally make "New Year's Resolutions". I feel like the minute I say something aloud, "I'm going to go to the gym for an hour everyday for 3 months", I find myself losing motivation to stick with it! I'm cautious about making any about my anxiety/panic disorder because I feel like just saying something like "I will no longer let my anxiety keep me from doing ______", the anxiety in that situation will become so unbearable it will keep me from doing _____... haha! Which is really a silly thing to think, but still it's in the back of my mind!

Even after saying all that, I think I'll go ahead and make some New Year's Resolutions for 2012, some goals to start the year off with...

For years I've been an on-and-off vegetarian..My reasoning behind this is mostly of an ethical/health conscience nature. I do eat fish regularly though. I have considered eating meat if locally raised/ free range, humanely treated, but have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to eat meat. Growing up both my mom and grandma were vegetarians, so meat-free meals aren't new to me. But I've found it extremely hard to avoid meat all the time, for example dinners with in-laws, I hate inconveniencing anyone and will typically eat what is served instead of being "difficult".. This year I would like to try to stick with a vegetarian diet (with the exception of fish!)..

My husband and I both enjoy eating out..while we rarely eat fast food we love trying new restaurants! As hard as it is to say I know a lot of the money we could be putting away is being wasted during these outings! Another goal I'd like to set is that we cut back on eating out.


Anxiety-wise I have a few...

I would love to start caring less what others think of me! This has always been something I've struggled with, and has held me back from doing many things! I feel like if I were able to overcome this a lot of my anxiety would disappear, because once that fear of judgement is gone there isn't much left to "panic" about..

I've mentioned that I'm back in school, and I am anticipating an uncomfortable 6 months once practicals and clinicals begin! I've been dreading these last few months since the program began, but I know I'm capable of doing it. I'd like to stop focusing so much on my anxiety and catastrophic thoughts (I can already see myself failing before I've even begun!)

Lastly I've noticed that I tend to worry a lot whether it's about the health of myself and others, or something that's happening months down the road! It is so draining/exhausting and such an absolute waste of energy! Normally there is nothing productive that comes out of me obsessively worrying... While a little bit of concern/ awareness can be beneficial, obsessive worrying isn't. It changes nothing. I'd like to spend less time this year worrying, especially about things I have absolutely no control over! I plan to be more conscious of when I'm just worrying to worry, and stop the thoughts there..


:-) Happy New Year!!!

Herbal Remedies for Anxiety...

It's really important to talk to your doctor and research for yourself before adding any of these herbal remedies, especially if you are on medication, as you can have adverse reactions. Not all of these will work or be safe for each individual, so do your research... :)

That said, I bought quite a few new herbal remedies specifically for anxiety! :) I think I've already mentioned my all time favorite quick fix called "Chill", it's sold at Herbally Grounded. It helps me to relax in the same way a mild dose of xanax or ativan would, it truly works well for me.

I also think I mentioned that I was surprised with a gift certificate to HG for Christmas, so I was able to buy all the herbal remedies (plus some!) I'd "thought" about trying- I'll give them all a try over the course of the year and update back which work out best for me! But I thought I'd make a list of herbs that may be beneficial for the treatment of anxiety. :)

*Bee's Royal Jelly

*Chamomile

*Damiana

*Ginkgo

*Ginseng

*Hops

*Kava Kava

*Lemon Grass

*Passion Flower

*St. John's Wort

*Schizandra

*Scullcap

*Squaw Vine

*Valerian

*Wild Lettuce

*Zizyphus

Winter Vacation Updates

My winter vacation has been wonderful so far! I can't say enough how great it is to be back in Las Vegas, and with family. For me classes start back up on the 3rd of January, which is a day I also have a huge test! So I've spent a lot of time in my bedroom studying. I would post more, but really nothing too eventful has happened... Anxiety hasn't been much of an issue for me thus far (ha once I got off the flight!), I do still get those little bouts of nervousness when I realize how long I've been anxiety free, but that normally happens anytime I'm anxiety free for too long.

I guess one time that really sticks out for me was visiting a friends house. I went over there to say hi to he and his sisters, his mom wasn't home and the girls suggested I wait a little while for her to get home so she could say hi! Up until that point I forgot about anxiety, I had no anxiety going over there, but when it came to having to wait there for her and her husband to get home I suddenly wanted out of the situation and felt trapped! Silly, I know! Nothing big came of it, and the feeling eventually went away. I wonder why I didn't feel anxious when the greeting was on my own terms? But suddenly when I wasn't "in control" of the situation the anxiety kicked in, this is a pattern I see a lot!

While I've been in Las Vegas I had a chance to visit one of my favorite stores- "Herbally Grounded" This is a store I absolutely LOVE! I went shopping and bought quite a few new herbs/vitamins/products that are supposed to be helpful for those suffering with anxiety/panic disorder and some I already love- Hopefully in one of these next posts I'll be able to share some of them! :)

Lack of follow through?

Well I didn't follow through with what I planned to do..I was hoping to update from the flight but didn't have a wifi connection. I did end up taking the alprazolam (Xanax)..it made the experience a little better although not a whole lot-dreading the flight back but still have quite a few more days before I have to prepare for that!-Thankfully! Hopefully I can follow through and add some updates! I feel like that could help?
On another note:
Happy Holidays to everyone! My Christmas was wonderful! I really missed my husband and wish he could have been here, but really enjoyed being with my family! Had a few Christmas surprises this morning that I absolutely loved! So thankful!
Last night I drank a little too much wine so definitely suffered this morning as far as anxiety goes! I don't normally drink much as it's pretty much the worst thing I can do for my anxiety, I then guarantee myself a panic-filled next day! But I survived and made it through the day with minimal (could have been much much worse) anxiety! Thankfully I had nowhere I needed to be, and could lay around all day until the anxiety passed. Anyone else experience high anxiety the day after indulging in a little too much drinking?

Thoughts on flying!

So today I fly out to Las Vegas. I'm going "home" to visit family for the holidays! I'll be there for 10 days.. Louie pup will be coming with me. I've flown soo soo many times growing up but to this day absolutely hate it. I don't feel like it ever gets any easier for me, I dread flying! I don't know exactly where this came from, what I'm afraid of, or what exactly it is about flying that I dislike so much? But I really don't like it! I guess what I'm most terrified of is the feeling of "falling" being up that high. I've watched one too many scary airplane crash documentaries to feel safe! Although I do know the statistics, and flying is the safest way to travel... I was thinking about bringing the computer to update from the plane, but remembered I have to leave it for my husband (who has to stay behind and work!)... So I will try to update from my cell phone? Hopefully I'll be able to add photos? Might be rather short! :) Luckily I have alprazolam (generic xanax) if things get too bad otherwise I'll try not taking anything and see how it goes- Really would rather not feel "groggy" the rest of the night once I get there!

Always Changing Anxiety "Triggers"

In my experience with panic disorder and anxiety I've come to realize that they are not consistent, predictable, or logical disorders. It's hard to pin-point why something will send you into an attack one day, and not the next!... Why something you know LOGICALLY is of no danger to you whatsoever will send you over the edge!...

 I'm sure everyone suffering with this has their known "triggers"...Calling something a trigger in itself is already setting yourself up for failure, if you're like me, you've pretty much just guaranteed yourself an attack when presented with that situation! It seems to me that over the years my triggers have changed dramatically. It seems that anything can suddenly make me anxious, even realizing I haven't had an attack for awhile can send me into another! It's such a strange "disorder". My fears and triggers have changed so much since I've been diagnosed, it really makes no sense which is why panic isn't logical or predictable...

A huge trigger for me lately is being put on the spot or the anticipation to being put on the spot. This all began about 8 months ago.. I was feeling great for about a year, medication-free, no panic attacks, mild anxiety, working a fun job and then I decided to move temporarily out of state and take a yoga teacher training course. I was excited! A little overwhelmed by how fast I was changing everything around me- It really was a stressful time as my husband had to stay behind to tie up loose ends...But I was excited and optimistic. I had the support of my husband and family- I already had a job lined up (a company I had worked for before and LOVED happily hired me back on), everything seemed to be falling into place. I even remember mentioning to my mom during her visit to town how great things were going, saying something along the lines of I couldn't imagine having anxiety now, I'm so happy and excited about everything. Once I started the classes I quickly came to realize I absolutely dreaded...

1) Introductions!! (Going around the room and saying something about yourself)
2) Being called upon to speak in a classroom setting
3) Being called up in front of the group to demonstrate something
4) Reading aloud to the group
..........
Basically anything that put me, and only ME on the spot! YIKES!

I had no idea I was going to react the way I did in these particular situations- There have been plenty of other situations where I've had to address groups of people (work, where I'm normally in the superior position) and it went fine! Even in high school before I'd experienced the anxiety/panic that I know today, I was pretty good at presenting and speaking out in class. I mean I was shy, but would even go as far as saying I enjoyed doing it!

So I was very surprised when I began reacting the way I was- I couldn't get any words out, voice cracking as if I was going to cry, heart racing, dizziness, tunnel vision, visibly shaking, facial twitching  (This was a new one for me! What fun! It sort of felt like my face was trying to contort itself into a "crying face"), all I could get out was "Would it be okay if I passed?" and this was a stretch!  I mean it was the worst panic I'd experienced since I can remember!--Probably because it was in front of a group of people and I'd never had a full blown panic attack while 30 other people stare at me! My instructor noticed (who also happened to be my boss) and was just as surprised as I was. She understood that many people disliked public speaking, but had seen such a different side of me at work and dealing with clients over the years. She too had suffered from panic attacks and had always known I had an anxiety disorder as I confided in her early on. She asked if I ever felt anxiety/panic in work related situations and I assured her I didn't, I loved my job and the clients!

I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it was almost like those few experiences in the yoga teacher training classes opened me up to all sorts of new anxieties and "triggers"! Sure enough my panic attacks soon began popping up at work during relatively busy rushes- I worked alone and was always able to pull through, but they were very uncomfortable, embarrassing, and frustrating! I just didn't understand why this was happening to me? I'd never experienced anxiety/panic in these situations and it felt like it was out of my control, the fight-or-flight reactions would just kick in before I could even have an anxious or positive thought!

Soon these attacks would kick-in in all sorts of "normal", situations- Signing my lease (excused myself 3 times to "go to the bathroom" in a 15 minute period LOL) sitting down with a banker to open a new bank account, shopping transactions...Eventually it just appeared when talking to anyone ONE on ONE! Even began to happen while going to visit my grandparents, while walking up the stairs to see them the fight-or-flight response kicked right in and I was a shaky, out of breath mess by the time I got inside to greet them.

This is when I decided this was really getting out of control! I had to figure out a way to "get over this" and didn't want to go on medication again. I was doing so well before that first attack in front of my teacher training class, and knew this was something that just snowballed out of control- So I started my own type of exposure therapy. I would purposely put myself in VERY uncomfortable situations- HaHa which wasn't hard to do, because a mere bank transactions with a teller left me feeling as if I'd like to turn around and sprint right out of the bank as quickly as I could before she could even finish asking how my day was going... While in these situations I'd like to add it wasn't so much the situation itself, but having a panic attack while there in the situation and having to awkwardly find a socially acceptable way (not sprinting out of banks, or slipping away before my groceries are all rung up!) to get out of the situations! So I just made myself suffer through while the attacks ran their course, I would drag my grandmother along with me on all sorts of errands, using her as a crutch just in case I froze up, I never completely did, just having her there helped so much. There was a time when just going to the grocery store by myself and making it through the transaction without the help of a benzo was something to call my husband and be excited about! It would have sounded so silly to me before being afflicted with those attacks, and even sounds strange to me now, but I'm happy to say my "exposure therapy" helped a lot.

SO today what are my main "triggers", or anxiety creating situations that I'm working through? Well to this day I still feel anxious in classroom type settings- Reading aloud, answering questions, being put on the spot, presenting whether in a group or alone....School makes me anxious! I'm dreading practical/oral exams...Dreading having to present anything to a group... I do get uncomfortable still when I'm the center of another persons attention..Interviews, dinners with the in-laws (just when they are anxiously awaiting updates and quizzing me about new things we have going on)...BUT I am really confident that someday I'll be completely over this! I don't necessarily believe this is something I'll suffer with forever, at least not in these exact situations- Even if I always have anxiety it seems it ebbs and changes so much that as I conquer these fears, new challenges will arise! I suppose that's something to be optimistic about! :) :)

Chickened Out!

I wish I was able to report back with an inspiring success story of how I didn't let my anxiety get the best of me and at least gave the presentation a shot, or the propranolol worked wonders! Instead I'm here to report I didn't even make it to class today. Honestly I'm extremely disappointed- First of all because I missed a full day of class, attendance is a big deal at the school I'm attending and teachers notice when you're not there making a point to e-mail you to see what's going on. I decided I'm going to be upfront with my teacher about what happened, I woke up with every intention of going to class, took my first dose of propranolol (made me a little sleepier than I anticipated!), and got ready for class. I tried to stay positive but the more I thought about the presentation the more I dreaded it.

I realized I never really explained what type of presentation this would be. It was partly a group presentation as part of it consisted of a "skit" demonstrating the skills/scenario we were given the day before. My character in the skit was a business owner (not my choice), and the character kept getting more and more complex! When my group began their brainstorming they agreed to give me the smallest part in the skit possible (as it was the skit I was really really uncomfortable with), but before I knew it I had a starring role! Well not exactly, but definitely more lines and acting than I was comfortable with- I kept trying to explain to my group (full of former drama class stars) how uncomfortable I was with the part, only to be reassured I'd be "fine" they had "faith" in me! Obviously they didn't understand where I was coming from! Now these skits were supposed to be "fun" keep in mind, these were not graded (so thankfully I'm not going to be docked any points), but the more "fun" my classmates were having with this the more terrifying it was to me! They were soon trying to make our skit funnier than the rest, creating complex scenarios and jokes I would deliver?? I kept my positive attitude about this the whole time, truly just hoping the propranolol was the miraculous cure for stage fright some message boards make it out to be! Maybe the propranolol would turn me into an outgoing presenter, delivering my jokes and lines with perfect timing! But that seemed a little too good to be true and eventually my "what if" thoughts came back, and I managed to talk myself out of going! I mean geez just the other day I was proud of myself for my ability to get through answering questions, in front of the class!

So someday (hopefully) the idea of performing a small production in front of 40 other people may sound like a breeze to me, but I'm not there yet, and I suppose I'm okay with that! I will just have to look at the other strides I've made beating this anxiety and focus on those! I'm sure there will be many more presentations to come, and hopefully I'll be able to report back with some success stories and some possible coping techniques, I guess just not this time.

Presentation Tomorrow!

Well today we found out that we will all be expected to give a 10 minute presentation tomorrow! To be honest,  I am TERRIFIED! I absolutely hate public speaking of any kind. Before signing up for this school  (these classes) I made sure there were no public speaking requirements and was assured there wouldn't be anything like this. I mean I know I'm going to have to do some sort of public speaking eventually, but wanted to get back into the school swing of things a little more slowly. Oh well, I have a presentation tomorrow and am going to have to figure out some way to get through this.

My fear of public speaking isn't a little one. I have had too many awful experiences to just be able to "wing it" without medication, someday I have hope I'll be able to, but right now? No way! So tomorrow will be the day I try the Propranolol! Yikes! Today I took a quarter of a pill to see how I felt.. I didn't really notice anything and after reading various message boards online I'm unsure if a quarter of the pill will do it for me? I don't know why I'm so cautious/ afraid to take the whole 10mg, (Yes I do, because it's a blood pressure medication and the possibility of any type of adverse reaction scares me!)  then again taking the 10mg sounds better than getting up there and realizing I didn't take enough! :) We'll see. Oh yes and I have one other technique in mind to help me get through this- I'm near-sighted so I wear contact lenses to see anything farther than 5ft in front of me- I figure if I can't see anyone I'm presenting to it may make it a little better? So I will take my contacts out...Who knows if this will help, but it's worth a try!

I know there are going to be many many occasions in the remainder of my schooling where I will have to present in front of the class. To be honest this was what kept me from finishing school sooner. But I figured I have got to figure out a way to get past this...and hopefully I will. :) I'm trying to stay positive, haha but to be quite honest even writing about the presentation tomorrow makes my heart pound! Will be sure to post my experience whether negative or positive, but keeping my fingers crossed it's a positive one!

Just Getting Started!

Well I created this blog as a place for me to share my experiences in coping with and overcoming panic and anxiety and not allowing either to rule my life. I have suffered from these disorders for 6 years. I tried antidepressants for the first 3 years, and have been antidepressant free for the last 3! This isn't to say that I'm "cured", these disorders are still very much a part of my daily life, but the anxiety is no longer holding me back from doing the things I want to do and it certainly doesn't scare me quite as much as it used to. Hopefully some of you can relate to my personal struggles.


I am currently a student, once I am completely finished with school I am hoping to have my degree in nursing and clinical massage. I have been back in school since September 2011, and so far have encountered quite a few challenges! For one I absolutely hate public speaking of any kind. Luckily for me I haven't had to do too much of this YET (I will!), and on the days that it was required I allowed myself to use a benzo to get through it! I'll add here that I am not currently taking any antidepressants. I took them the first 2 years with much luck, but towards the end of the 2nd year the side effects began to become unbearable and dangerous for me. After awhile I wasn't sure if they were even working because the anxiety began creeping back and couldn't remember what it felt like to be off of them. These factors alone didn't give me enough courage to wean myself off of them, it wasn't until my insurance coverage ran out that I finally decided it was time to give a shot at being medication free! I was told by multiple doctors that I would most likely have to be on medication (antidepressants) for the anxiety for the rest of my life. That was a very disturbing/ depressing idea for me. The antidepressants were expensive, creating all sorts of unbearable/ dangerous side effects (for me) not to mention that every year or so my body would build up a tolerance to them, so we would have to "up" my dose! So when my insurance was running out, and I knew I couldn't pay the $200 a bottle for the medication I decided to give being medication free a shot. For me, after the horrible withdrawal symptoms disappeared, I felt MUCH much better without the antidepressants! The anxiety actually seemed to lighten up! I took fish oil (omega 3s) and some other supplements for the first year. I coped really well. I'd like to also add that I am not saying there is anything wrong with taking antidepressants. :) They truly did wonders for me for awhile- They helped me to function and get my bearings while newly diagnosed with the disorder. They were truly helpful. But after awhile they became more a problem than a help! If it ever came down to it and my anxiety was unbearable I would certainly give them another shot, but for now I'm okay trying to overcome this disorder on my own. :)


I suppose now would be an okay time to share my techniques for getting through rough days- As I said I am not currently taking any antidepressants, they did work for me and did wonders for a little while, but the side effects soon became unbearable! I do have a prescription for alprazolam (Xanax) that I take "as needed".  For me to take one I have to be in a pretty bad situation (public speaking would qualify!) I've found them semi-effective in these situations but they don't do much for the physical manifestations of panic, and I hate the feeling of drowsiness that sticks with me after I've left the situation, so these are typically a last resort. I have tried various natural remedies that I'll use a little more freely for anxiety during class, or a particularly bad day, some of them being Valarian root,  "Chill" a concoction (herbal) from my local alternative medicine/herbal store.  I've tried Passion Flower Remedies as well. Magnesium supplements... I was also recently prescribed Propranolol 10mg as needed (to be honest I haven't tried this one yet) to get through my practical exams! Yikes! Propranolol is a beta-blocker and is supposed to block the adrenaline response (fight-or-flight), although it will do nothing for psychological aspects of anxiety or panic. I'll be sure to update how the propranolol works! :) :)