In my experience with panic disorder and anxiety I've come to realize that they are not consistent, predictable, or logical disorders. It's hard to pin-point why something will send you into an attack one day, and not the next!... Why something you know LOGICALLY is of no danger to you whatsoever will send you over the edge!...
I'm sure everyone suffering with this has their known "triggers"...Calling something a trigger in itself is already setting yourself up for failure, if you're like me, you've pretty much just guaranteed yourself an attack when presented with that situation! It seems to me that over the years my triggers have changed dramatically. It seems that anything can suddenly make me anxious, even realizing I haven't had an attack for awhile can send me into another! It's such a strange "disorder". My fears and triggers have changed so much since I've been diagnosed, it really makes no sense which is why panic isn't logical or predictable...
A huge trigger for me lately is being put on the spot or the anticipation to being put on the spot. This all began about 8 months ago.. I was feeling great for about a year, medication-free, no panic attacks, mild anxiety, working a fun job and then I decided to move temporarily out of state and take a yoga teacher training course. I was excited! A little overwhelmed by how fast I was changing everything around me- It really was a stressful time as my husband had to stay behind to tie up loose ends...But I was excited and optimistic. I had the support of my husband and family- I already had a job lined up (a company I had worked for before and LOVED happily hired me back on), everything seemed to be falling into place. I even remember mentioning to my mom during her visit to town how great things were going, saying something along the lines of I couldn't imagine having anxiety now, I'm so happy and excited about everything. Once I started the classes I quickly came to realize I absolutely dreaded...
1) Introductions!! (Going around the room and saying something about yourself)
2) Being called upon to speak in a classroom setting
3) Being called up in front of the group to demonstrate something
4) Reading aloud to the group
..........
Basically anything that put me, and only ME on the spot! YIKES!
I had no idea I was going to react the way I did in these particular situations- There have been plenty of other situations where I've had to address groups of people (work, where I'm normally in the superior position) and it went fine! Even in high school before I'd experienced the anxiety/panic that I know today, I was pretty good at presenting and speaking out in class. I mean I was shy, but would even go as far as saying I enjoyed doing it!
So I was very surprised when I began reacting the way I was- I couldn't get any words out, voice cracking as if I was going to cry, heart racing, dizziness, tunnel vision, visibly shaking, facial twitching (This was a new one for me! What fun! It sort of felt like my face was trying to contort itself into a "crying face"), all I could get out was "Would it be okay if I passed?" and this was a stretch! I mean it was the worst panic I'd experienced since I can remember!--Probably because it was in front of a group of people and I'd never had a full blown panic attack while 30 other people stare at me! My instructor noticed (who also happened to be my boss) and was just as surprised as I was. She understood that many people disliked public speaking, but had seen such a different side of me at work and dealing with clients over the years. She too had suffered from panic attacks and had always known I had an anxiety disorder as I confided in her early on. She asked if I ever felt anxiety/panic in work related situations and I assured her I didn't, I loved my job and the clients!
I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it was almost like those few experiences in the yoga teacher training classes opened me up to all sorts of new anxieties and "triggers"! Sure enough my panic attacks soon began popping up at work during relatively busy rushes- I worked alone and was always able to pull through, but they were very uncomfortable, embarrassing, and frustrating! I just didn't understand why this was happening to me? I'd never experienced anxiety/panic in these situations and it felt like it was out of my control, the fight-or-flight reactions would just kick in before I could even have an anxious or positive thought!
Soon these attacks would kick-in in all sorts of "normal", situations- Signing my lease (excused myself 3 times to "go to the bathroom" in a 15 minute period LOL) sitting down with a banker to open a new bank account, shopping transactions...Eventually it just appeared when talking to anyone ONE on ONE! Even began to happen while going to visit my grandparents, while walking up the stairs to see them the fight-or-flight response kicked right in and I was a shaky, out of breath mess by the time I got inside to greet them.
This is when I decided this was really getting out of control! I had to figure out a way to "get over this" and didn't want to go on medication again. I was doing so well before that first attack in front of my teacher training class, and knew this was something that just snowballed out of control- So I started my own type of exposure therapy. I would purposely put myself in VERY uncomfortable situations- HaHa which wasn't hard to do, because a mere bank transactions with a teller left me feeling as if I'd like to turn around and sprint right out of the bank as quickly as I could before she could even finish asking how my day was going... While in these situations I'd like to add it wasn't so much the situation itself, but having a panic attack while there in the situation and having to awkwardly find a socially acceptable way (not sprinting out of banks, or slipping away before my groceries are all rung up!) to get out of the situations! So I just made myself suffer through while the attacks ran their course, I would drag my grandmother along with me on all sorts of errands, using her as a crutch just in case I froze up, I never completely did, just having her there helped so much. There was a time when just going to the grocery store by myself and making it through the transaction without the help of a benzo was something to call my husband and be excited about! It would have sounded so silly to me before being afflicted with those attacks, and even sounds strange to me now, but I'm happy to say my "exposure therapy" helped a lot.
SO today what are my main "triggers", or anxiety creating situations that I'm working through? Well to this day I still feel anxious in classroom type settings- Reading aloud, answering questions, being put on the spot, presenting whether in a group or alone....School makes me anxious! I'm dreading practical/oral exams...Dreading having to present anything to a group... I do get uncomfortable still when I'm the center of another persons attention..Interviews, dinners with the in-laws (just when they are anxiously awaiting updates and quizzing me about new things we have going on)...BUT I am really confident that someday I'll be completely over this! I don't necessarily believe this is something I'll suffer with forever, at least not in these exact situations- Even if I always have anxiety it seems it ebbs and changes so much that as I conquer these fears, new challenges will arise! I suppose that's something to be optimistic about! :) :)
No comments:
Post a Comment